-------- "This is the time for action not only words, use your God given gifts to develop this country, dont be afraid to speak up, and feel PROUD THAT U R EGYPTIAN." -------- Mohaly, Feb 2011

Monday, October 5, 2009

611) Being Yourself :: Episode 4 - Social Obligs!

I know that many people may attack me for this post, but that is my opinion, I have to be myself :)

One of the things that provokes me especially in the Arab Culture that people spend sooooooooooo much time in what they call "social obligations" where:
- they visit people they dont wanna visit or dont wanna visit now,
- eat something that they don't wanna eat (and sometimes say wow delecius!),
- sometimes travel to places they dont wanna go with people that they dont wanna travel with,
- inviting people that they dont wanna invite to their home, or even receiving them without prior notice and showing that you are ok!
- and many others (you name it) where you give this poker face (wesh gebs)!

Half of my quarrels with my family is because of "social obligations", look at the word OBLIGATION, 7aga mostafeza!! and everything is just FAKE, hugs, smiles, talk, everything EXCEPT the time passing that will never comeback :(

How can I wake up and decide upon the face I am gonna wear for today's event!!! Why can't I just be myself?!

What will happen if we decided to do what we feel comfortable with and be ourselves WITHOUT BEING RUDE? What will happen if I appoloiged to someone that I cant go out today or I cant recieve him/her in my home today, or that I can't eat heavy stuff, or , or , or.
Will they get mad at me? from my own personal experience, may be for a while, but then people will know that IT IS YOU, and that is who you are and how you wanna lead your life. Believe me, I tried it and people still like me, but without having to be -most the time- doing stuff that I don't wanna do.

Mesh keda bardo?!



M@YO said...

ohhh .. Really nice post (y)

I agree that at the end ppl gonna say it is him and get used of your actions and behaviors

they always do with bad behavior like if someone shout on me with no logical reason ppl says “ma3lesh aslo 3asaby” wa ana maly ana 3asaby wa mosh 3asaby mayrod zay elnas

so if they used to bad behaviors sure they gonna use and like good ones (Honesty and being yourself)

Mary jacoub said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary jacoub said...

Mohaly it's a very good point of discussion coz we all suffer from it with our families,they kept saying:"3eeeeeeeb el nas ye2olo 3alena eh? but you know what i started doing this with ppl i know i really suffered a lot at the beginning coz they didn't used to me that way sometimes they got angry from me,sometimes they told me that i'd changed a lot but i didn't care for all of this at the end they got used to me that way,i really don't know if they still like me or not but i like myself this way.

Marwa said...

Nice post Mohaly :)

Sometimes u have to do things with someones for a political reason to maintain your whole life for example; like your relation with your mother-in-law masalan (aho da ba2a el sha7's el wa7eed elly you cannot be yourself with) or else you will have put yorself in endless troubles :(

H.A.W. said...

Marwa, la2 wallahi- being yourself with your mother in low is not a bad idea. maho she will get to hear about it from her daughter anyway :)) and the fact that she accepted him at first place, shouldnt cause big troubles. and as time passes both parties will work out a permenant solution. go on pretending will alert her taht there is soemthing wrong and she will feel that she is the one addressed with this gesture.
one could say what he wants in a polite way and give her a kiss.
she will focus on the warm hug and kiss and forget the words. begad- try it :)))

Marwa said...

Thanks H.A.W for the nice advice :)

I like it when u say mother in LOW :D

Sure I am doing exactly what u r saying ...

bass bardo maho el warm hug and kiss , homma dool belzabt not being myself with her :)))

Mohaly said...

Thanks M@YO

Marwa: last part of the last comment, i laughed moot, maskhara :)

Mohaly said...

Mary: I dont think u have a problem with that :)

Wala 3omar bardo. Merhan sa3at we sa3at

may be Maha, sometimes i feel she is too polite to object ;)

H.A.W. said...

my answer to you would be in 2 parts:
- obligations you cant avoid: like wedding of a coousin, 3aza, etc. sometimes i dont want to go, but there is no ëscaping" of it, fa i go and make the best out of it. when i am attacked with silly words, i put on a more silly smile, which none can interpret or predict.
most of my family memebers now- especially old ones- finally learned not to attack me for my lifestyle. and things are in peace now.they didnt accept me, la2, they just stopped attacking me.which is fine for me. dotn ask for more.

H.A.W. said...

Marwa, bossi. hug and kiss her taking into your heart that you are doing it for Allah and then to please your husband.
wallahi it works mericcals. and she will feel the difference.she is old, she thinks her boys is the best and you are baerley coping. tayeb who doesnt?
your mother think you are lo2ta and he doesnt deserve you.
bas at teh end she si his mother, be kind to an old lady, who is not sherirah. she just is a mother.
cope we khalas. if you can afford a real hug, fine. if not the one i told you about would do. begad.
ya benti it works with 3amety. ya3ni mafish ba3d keda :))))

H.A.W. said...

LOW was a typing mistake :))))))

H.A.W. said...

second part: events or things you can avoid or free to do.
like a birthday party or wedding or even 3aza.
from what i experienced, everyone thinks he is right-anyone else is wrong.dont know why, bas i dotn care.for people i care to be with, who know me, i care to be myself and i go through the fight with my mother. 3adi. and i do it my style at the end. ya3ni, when i am attending a 3aza of soemone i care for, i never wear my jewlery. for me- i see it as showing off, when i should show some consideration for as7ab el 3aza. so i dont do it- and bear my mtoehr's fighting all day, all way long, and back home.
this is how she got ot see things, and khalas.
if its 3aza of soemone i dont care about, ya3ni öbligation" often i do it THEIr way. to avoid the hassle and fighting. and guess what- they are happy, and i dont care much.
bas keda.

H.A.W. said...

those who know me, and i care about- i usually be myself and it is not an obligation then. its a pleasure to share the event- sad or happy.
you can say i have learned to be flexible to avoid unnecessary fights. compromising things,if its not ya3ni very much important event to me or to those i love.

H.A.W. said...

and by the way, most of the new generations - cousins ya3ni- accept your saying thank you, i cant come, or i am busy tonight, etc.
while the uncles and aunts are the only ones who still cant take a no for an answer.
is it like this in all families now or its just mine????

Soha said...

It happens all the time....it's just a part of our everyday life....(ana la akzeb lakani atgamal way of thinking)...but I don't think there will be time for it now that everything in life is getting faster and faster, at least for people who believe in being who they really are....

Here's an excerpt of Eliot's prufrock...One of the best poems ever....Prufrock is being sarcastic about his "there will be time"...

There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet
There will be time to murder and create
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate
There will be time for you and time for me
And time yet for a hundred indecisions
And for a hundred visions and revisions
Before the taking a toast and a tea
(T.S. Eliot....Love song of Prufrock)

Noha said...

The picture is great!

Anonymous said...

I exempted myself from those a long time ago, and I don't care about others feelings because I always find them initially intruding.

No one can ever 'obligate' me - I'm subtle that way!

Besides, I don't usually have much emotional credit to give anyways - I'm drained myself.

They call me a 'caveman', and I'm loving every minute of it :D

But, to be honest bardo, the rare times I emerge, and according to them, I make life just happy and bright :)

So, life is good ;)

P.S. rude is sometimes overrated.

H.A.W. said...

does it belong to social obligations how i react when i have a certain feeling? or when i am in a certain situation?

ya3ni, I should wear a super wide smile in a wedding, otherwise I am "ghayranah" and i sould look sad ONLY in a 3aza, because this is elosoul. but i shouldnt cry in the 3aza because this will turn my nose to a red spot.
i am serious. these are "family orders" and i am to oblige.

when going out with my mom i should wear my gold jewlery, especially if its a family visit. i am not allowed to wear silver (i adore silver and hate gold).

when being set up with soemone, i have to wear make up, otherwise "they" will say that i am not interested and treating them as unimportant.
what's that got to do with this????

why cant i express my feelings as i wish to, and as they really are? wont it be better if i show true sorrow or happiness instead of this "wesh geps"?
why cant anyone understand?

H.A.W. said...

why does everyone arround me treat me as if i am alien?
howa am i really coming from another planet?

Omar Rostom said...

I dont know meen el fady eli set these stupid rules, but I am fighting it, and calling for doing what you want for the time that you want.

Hicham said...

Actually many of what so called 'Social Obligs' are so because of we think a lot of time in thinking about our image in the eyes of the others no matter how we feel.

I personally think the best thing is to be honest with yourself and to be yourself and of course this doesn't meant to be rude but you can't answer everything or go to every occasion because people want this!

merhan said...

Mohaly,first of all i accept u the way u are because u r my friend so i should respect your way and thoughts regarding social obligations,i am not saying that i sometimes like abiding them bs we were raised in such a way.. and because i consider u my friend i have sometimes to tell u that ur way might offend others 'mosh ana' because i would tell u so , the point is ur family plus our community betferadhom 3aleina so feel free to do what u like but not hurt others while doing it :)
SORRY if i was rude ,but u know i care for masl7atek,also SORRY if i considered myself a friend without consulting with u first.still waiting to see ur other half that will agree to ur wild ideas..she has to be crazy in love to agree on most oof them ;))

Mohaly said...

1. You are my friend
2. No need to say sorry
3. That is me, and I am not hurting others, they are the ones hurting me by insisting on getting into my private zone.
4. El 3agbo Mohaly keda, I will be his/her faithful friend, eli mesh 3agbo there are many other friends who can take this obligations.
5. Same applies to wife.

merhan said...

Thank u for considering me a your friend :))
hope u can always accept me and my honest direct opinions that sometimes offend others.

lao said...

you remind me when i was inviting friends to my wedding,u know how much weddings cost and how en mel akher (el fard be feloos) so i was very confused when i found that i have to invite 2 of my friends whom are not actualy v.close 2 me just bec.they were on agroup of other close friends 2 me.and finally 3azamtohom wana modtara!! if u were on the same place would u do as i did??

Mohaly said...

No ya Lao coz I am blunt enough to tell my friends about whom I want in my wedding, and whom I will go out with to celebrate later.
I already tell my friends who is in my best friends category and who is in my close friends, and who is a friend.

lao said...

but if i did so keda mesh hab2a alelet el zo2(i mean my self) and how far can i do compliments for people?

Mohaly said...

I dont do compliments unless I mean it.